I’ve owned my Human Beans for over 2 years now, and I’m still no nearer understanding them than I was at the start! They’re such complicated creatures that I thought it might be useful to all the young pups out there if I shared what I have learned so far.

The Human sense of smell
Well, when I say ‘sense’ of smell, I have to say it makes NO sense at all to me! I’m sure we’re all agreed as to the most irresistible smells out there (Fox poo, rotting fish, long dead unidentifiable mammal), yet Humans will wrinkle their nose and pull funny faces if you come home smelling of them. What IS the matter with them? Which leads me on to…

Baths
These are a peculiarly Human thing. You come home having made a special effort to make yourself smell delectable and they start muttering about a bath! What’s worse, they not only use CLEAN water (how disgusting), but also something called shampoo.

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Can anyone explain to me the wisdom of replacing the delightful smell of REAL poo with the synthetic stink of SHAMpoo? No, I thought not! You can also look forward to that revenge moment  – you know, the one where they lift you out of the bath, whereupon you shake, soaking them to their stupid underwear and decorating the bathroom with the mud their pathetic efforts have failed to remove

‘Fetch’
There are two ways to look at this. My pawsonal view is that if they insist on throwing something away, then they can fetch it. I’m not going to spoil them by pandering to their every whim. However, I know some of you enjoy training your humans to provide gym facilities whenever you fancy it. Either view is acceptable as long as it’s what suits YOU. The main thing is that your Humans are obedient and eager to please at every opportunity.

Food
A Human Bean’s diet is very limited. They have no idea of the delights of gourmet poo (there are SO many varieties available these days), nor have they ever tried rotting green kebab, let alone had the pleasure of savouring a welI-rotted Vole. Instead they like to mess about with their food, doing something called ‘cooking’ which involves a lot of industrial language and often a certain amount of smoke, all for the food to taste no better than it did raw. What’s worse, they then make you wait for it to cool down! If they hadn’t made it hot in the first place, it wouldn’t NEED to cool down….grrrrrr!

Caring for your Human Bean
The Human Bean is probably the most needy creature on earth. You will be expected to be on cuddle duty 24hrs a day and will have to exercise them regularly whether you feel like it or not and whatever the weather.

imageThey particularly enjoy it when you jump all over them with muddy feet whilst licking their face at the same time, and will make appreciative little squealing noises which is very rewarding. Of course, you need to let the poor disillusioned creatures THINK they are in charge at all times, as they get quite stressed if they feel out of control and have even been known to suffer what is known as a ‘Fenton moment’. The symptoms of this condition include running out of control whilst their arms wave madly, and shouting incomprehensible words to no-one in particular. Having said all that, they are extremely trainable and can be persuaded to exhibit all manner of bizarre behaviour in return for licks and tail wags.

I hope I have given you some insight into the world of Human owing. The subject is much too complex to be fully covered in such a short piece, but watch this space for more advice in due course.