A guide to understanding your Humans

I’ve owned my Human Beans for over 2 years now, and I’m still no nearer understanding them than I was at the start! They’re such complicated creatures that I thought it might be useful to all the young pups out there if I shared what I have learned so far.

The Human sense of smell
Well, when I say ‘sense’ of smell, I have to say it makes NO sense at all to me! I’m sure we’re all agreed as to the most irresistible smells out there (Fox poo, rotting fish, long dead unidentifiable mammal), yet Humans will wrinkle their nose and pull funny faces if you come home smelling of them. What IS the matter with them? Which leads me on to…

Baths
These are a peculiarly Human thing. You come home having made a special effort to make yourself smell delectable and they start muttering about a bath! What’s worse, they not only use CLEAN water (how disgusting), but also something called shampoo.

                          

Can anyone explain to me the wisdom of replacing the delightful smell of REAL poo with the synthetic stink of SHAMpoo? No, I thought not! You can also look forward to that revenge moment  – you know, the one where they lift you out of the bath, whereupon you shake, soaking them to their stupid underwear and decorating the bathroom with the mud their pathetic efforts have failed to remove

‘Fetch’
There are two ways to look at this. My pawsonal view is that if they insist on throwing something away, then they can fetch it. I’m not going to spoil them by pandering to their every whim. However, I know some of you enjoy training your humans to provide gym facilities whenever you fancy it. Either view is acceptable as long as it’s what suits YOU. The main thing is that your Humans are obedient and eager to please at every opportunity.

Food
A Human Bean’s diet is very limited. They have no idea of the delights of gourmet poo (there are SO many varieties available these days), nor have they ever tried rotting green kebab, let alone had the pleasure of savouring a welI-rotted Vole. Instead they like to mess about with their food, doing something called ‘cooking’ which involves a lot of industrial language and often a certain amount of smoke, all for the food to taste no better than it did raw. What’s worse, they then make you wait for it to cool down! If they hadn’t made it hot in the first place, it wouldn’t NEED to cool down….grrrrrr!

Caring for your Human Bean
The Human Bean is probably the most needy creature on earth. You will be expected to be on cuddle duty 24hrs a day and will have to exercise them regularly whether you feel like it or not and whatever the weather.

They particularly enjoy it when you jump all over them with muddy feet whilst licking their face at the same time, and will make appreciative little squealing noises which is very rewarding. Of course, you need to let the poor disillusioned creatures THINK they are in charge at all times, as they get quite stressed if they feel out of control and have even been known to suffer what is known as a ‘Fenton moment’. The symptoms of this condition include running out of control whilst their arms wave madly, and shouting incomprehensible words to no-one in particular. Having said all that, they are extremely trainable and can be persuaded to exhibit all manner of bizarre behaviour in return for licks and tail wags.

I hope I have given you some insight into the world of Human owing. The subject is much too complex to be fully covered in such a short piece, but watch this space for more advice in due course.

Human Training for Dummies

A lot of the puppies I meet on my travels tell me that they have no idea where to start training their new humans so I decided that maybe it was time for an ‘easy to understand’ guide.

You may find that your humans don’t respond to your requests at first, but persevere and you will find that, in time, they will understand your instructions. It is just a matter of time & patience.

BASIC COMMANDS

The first challenge you will face is to get your humans to pay attention to you. They may be more interested in playing with their iPad or reading a book, but you will need to persuade them that your instructions must be obeyed. A sharp ‘YIP’ will usually get their attention, but if not, you will need to find other methods. I found that walking in circles & sniffing the floor was a surefire way to make them engage with me, though unfortunately it is not ideal in wet weather as it usually results in your being propelled into the garden at high speed. The puppy dog eyes technique can work well for some but tends to be time consuming as it takes a while for the stare to penetrate their preoccupation.

RECALL TRAINING

Until your humans are trained, you may wish to keep them on some sort of training lead. This ensures that they are not able to wander off at the first sniff of something more interesting. The first rule of recall training is treats, treats, and then more treats. They need to understand that a reward MUST be offered every time. Start by running a little way with your eyes focused on the horizon – the humans should immediately follow, brandishing treats. As they begin to get the idea, you can extend the distance until you are at the full extent of the lead. As you become more confident, you may even be able to teach them to engage in a spot of grassboarding, although to avoid injury to yourself this is best tried when conditions are wet & muddy. Humans are quite hardy and will easily withstand the odd bump or bruise.

SIT, STAY & DOWN

These are very important commands to learn – there is nothing worse than a human who insists on getting up to make tea just as you are settling down to sleep on their lap. The key to success with the sit/stay command is a blissful expression and lots of contented sighing. Few humans will have the heart to disturb you if you get this right. If you don’t get it right at first, try to have patience. Most humans really want to please you but will take time to understand what you are asking.  The down command is a little more tricky, but I find that a play bow will sometimes persuade them to get down to your level  and join in a game. If that doesn’t work, you could try a technique known as ‘woogling’ which involves throwing yourself on your back and squirming frantically. Few humans are able to resist a puppy tummy!

ADVANCED TECHNIQUES

Once you have mastered the basic commands, you may want to teach your humans some more advanced tricks like baking tasty dog treats or curling up small to allow you more space on the sofa. However, it is important not to attempt this until they are well versed in the basics. They are simple creatures and easily bored.

I hope you will find this information useful. Remember, if you don’t succeed immediately please keep trying as a well behaved human is a joy to own and can be taken anywhere.  The pounds are full of humans whose pups gave up on them – they may never know the joy of being owned by dog.